


straight

by toxic_positivity



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Whipped, Fear, Feelings Realization, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentioned Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam, Sexuality Crisis, Soft Seo Changbin, Tags Are Hard, chan thinks he’s straight, hes homophobic if you squint, spoiler he’s not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27966332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxic_positivity/pseuds/toxic_positivity
Summary: “are you okay?”“i’m gay.”“fuck, i meant i’m fine.”orchan has always been straight, never even questioned it. not until a certain pretty boy comes out by accident.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Seo Changbin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 78





	straight

straight.

that's what bang chan was, is. he'd never even considered the possibility of anything else, being anything other than straight. it had been a shock when his best friend bambam had come out to him a few years ago yet even then he was still straight, nothing more nothing less. 

so why was he even thinking about it? he's straight, he's sure of it. why even entertain the possibility of something else?

he wasn't sure why the idea had been rattling around in his head for a while now, never having questioned his sexuality before he decided he definitely wouldn't start now; he didn't need to.

he was straight. 

the group were gathered in a circle on the living room floor, an empty beer bottle laying messily in the centre. chan had suddenly realised that at some point his eyes had fallen on a certain caramel haired boy wearing a pretty pastel pink hoodie, he peeled them away with a strange burning in his face- he's just buzzed, right?

instead of playing their usual game of truth or dare they decided today to try out something different, never have i ever. everyone was having fun, teasing eachother about the snippets of new information they would receive with the help of alcohol. 

chan held his knees to his chest, eyes now fixated on the glass bottle which spun lazily in the middle. eventually it landed on felix, which meant it was his turn to say a 'never have i ever.'

"aye! okay," he scrunched up his face slightly while thinking, it was very obvious that he was the drunkest out of the group- closely followed by jisung. "never have i ever lost my virginity."

almost everyone put down a finger, chan couldn't help but notice the pretty boy he was unintentionally staring at also putting a finger down. 

"wait bin really? wasn't it like last week you were still a virgin or something?" minho asked with proud look in his eyes, the smaller boy only blushed in response, a small smile forming on his lips. 

"yeah, we've known each other for a while and decided to just go for it, no strings attached because he-" changbin paused, throwing a hand over his mouth with wide eyes. "oops." 

"that's pretty cool dude, 'm happy for you." jisung winked in his direction. 

chan couldn't help but feel a panic spread through him, changbin liked boys? the same seo changbin he'd spent countless nights up late, sharing life stories and enjoying each other's company- the same seo changbin chan would call his best friend. 

an unease filled him as he tried his best to avoid the younger, letting his eyes fall on the bottle once again. he heard everyone making supportive comments to changbin as he only stayed silent, this didn't go unnoticed by the smaller boy.

the game was finished after a few more rounds, everyone increasingly becoming more tired and uninterested. eventually, after seungmin had fallen asleep on hyunjin's shoulder and felix had wandered off to his bedroom, chan decided to excuse himself to the bathroom.

the events from earlier still uncomfortably fresh in his mind, he should've known really, it wasn't like changbin was hiding it. he turned on the faucet and splashed his face with cold water, hoping to force his thoughts elsewhere. 

however, it didn't work. nothing seemed to work. 

it was now a few days since that night, absolutely nothing had changed in the groups dynamic. well, other than chan avoiding changbin like the plague. 

he couldn't even explain why he was doing it, he wasn't exactly homophobic. when bambam had come out- sure it had been a shock- but chan honestly couldn't care less, something was different this time.

what made chris so incredibly frustrated though was that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about the boy with the caramel hair and pretty eyes. it was like a sudden disease which he'd caught after his confession. 

"chan! you there?" hyunjin asked, tilting his head slightly as he shook the older's shoulder to gain his attention. 

"hm? oh, yeah sorry." he smiled reassuringly at hyunjin who removed his hand. "what were we saying?"

"you're partnered with changbin for the duo photo shoots, he's waiting for you over there." chan felt his breath get caught in his throat, a sickness forming in his stomach. why did he feel like this?

he nodded, walking over to the younger awkwardly. 

"hi! this one's gonna be pretty fun, we get to hold kittens and play with flowers." he giggled with a happy smile, nothing had changed about his character ever since he came out but somehow chan could just feel a difference.

"right." he said curtly, walking past changbin to find the clothes he needed to change into. 

-

he left the changing rooms, spotting changbin sat on the sofa they were using for the shoot. 

what the fuck. 

they'd never done something quite like this before, the idea of being so outwardly feminine was never discussed before. 

what bothered chan so much though, wasn't a boy wearing a skirt and crop top, was the fact it was seo fucking changbin. not only that, he looked good- no, amazing. 

the sight made butterflies form deep in his stomach, causing his throat to feel dry and his hands jittery. 

but why? 

he couldn't think of a single possibility which made sense in his mind, jealous? no, definitely not. changbin looked good, yeah, but chan knew he also looked good- he definitely wasn't jealous.

suddenly the word gay forced itself into his thoughts, causing him to stop in his tracks and take a deep breath. 

im not gay, not a chance. i'm straight, everyone knows that. especially me.

he shook his head, walking over to changbin who smiled at his presence. "hey, we match! isn't that pretty cool." 

chan nodded halfheartedly, throwing himself down onto the seat next to him. "sure." 

changbin felt his heart ache at the blunt reply, he'd known chan was being off with him lately but he didn't think it would be this bad. 

was this all because he was gay? 

changbin chose not to think about it, instead focusing back on the task at hand. 

the director came out from behind the camera equipment holding two small kittens, one was a pretty black and one was a perfect white. sun and moon, complete opposites. 

chan actually quite enjoyed the concept of the photoshoot, the edgy clothing yet soft content, contrasting colours- it seemed very poetic. he didn't enjoy how desperately he tried to keep his eyes from wandering down to the exposed thighs of the pretty boy next to him, or how he couldn't help but smile at the way his eyes lit up. 

the kittens were placed in each of their laps, black one in changbin's and the white one i chan's. immediately the began to purr and demand attention from the two boys, making them chuckle in response. 

what the didn't expect though was the kittens to find each other, crawling from lap to lap as they head butted the other. "i forgot to mention, these two are like the cutest little love birds."

chan mentally cursed the director for his choice of kittens, even if they were adorable. the thought of the kittens being in love while chan couldn't even look at changbin without losing his breath was utterly embarrassing.

once they were finished with the kittens they were given a bouquet of pastel purple roses, a stark contrast to the dark colours of their clothing. 

chan couldn't help the thoughts of 'it's too feminine' or 'i feel like a fucking girl.'

he knew they were bad thoughts, flowers nor clothes had a gender yet he just couldn't help himself. he felt gay. 

the thought made him feel sick, he wasn't gay; there wasn't anything wrong with it, he just wasn't. this felt like the millionth time in the last week he'd had to tell himself that, it was starting to become a cause for concern. 

but his heart positively melted at just how fucking adorable changbin looked sat on his knees, his pale thighs peeking through the fabric as he reached up to pose for a photo. the flowers complimented his skin so well, too well, as his toned stomach looked so pretty under the black shirt. 

chan could feel his face burning at the thoughts, the thoughts which made him feel like he was sinning with every word. he couldn't help the truth though, could he?

it's not gay to find your best friend cute right?

not gay to think they look like your entire world, to want to hold them tightly and tell them just how pretty they are as you pepper kisses all long their skin. 

it's not gay to have the urge to pin your best friend to the sofa and have them then and there, to have them melt like putty under your hold. 

it's not gay to be completely enthralled by someone who just happens to be a boy, is it?

chan doesn't think so. or at least, chan really fucking hopes not.

-

they were back at the dorms and it was a few weeks later, a few weeks of chris being completely and utterly confused. he knew something had to be done about his new questions, everything seemed so terrifying- the mere possibility he liked anything other than women was terrifying. 

who else could he turn to? he wasn't sure that the other members weren't straight and he felt it wasn't his place to enquire. instead he thought long and hard about where exactly he should turn and ended up only coming up with one possible answer. 

changbin.

sure, he could've gone to bambam but they haven't been as close lately and to be honest- he didn't feel that he'd take it seriously.

he'd been thinking non stop about what to say to the younger, replaying the scene over and over again in his mind yet never able to come to a solid conclusion. 

do i just walk up to him and go hey bin i think i like men help me? no.

hey bin i'm gay. no, i don't even think i am. 

hey bin wanna suck- definitely not. 

whilst he was busy in his thoughts his feet had brought him to the front of the studio door, changbin was working late at the studio today. taking a deep breath he entered the room, finding changbin's exactly where he thought he would. 

he didn't notice chan's presence at first since he was concentrating on the laptop screen sat in his lap, chan didn't fail to notice the empty starbucks cup sat by his side- not surprising since it was about one in the morning. 

"hey, could i talk to you about something?" chan asked as he tapped the other on the shoulder gently, changbin looked up with a quiet nod. 

it must have been somewhat uncomfortable for changbin in the situation, chan thought. he hadn't even looked in his direction since the photoshoot, not even bothering to look at the finished photos. 

"oh sure," he clicked something on his laptop before closing the lid and placing it on the table in front of him. "what's up?" 

chan couldn't help but stare at the boy, a pit of guilt forming in his stomach. he'd almost forgotten just how pretty he was, how his eyes sparkled in the bright lights of the studio, how his hair fell softly on his forehead.

"uh," he started, his throat felt dry and he couldn't seem to find the words he was looking for. "i was wondering.."

changbin nodded, confusing lacing his expression as he waited patiently for chan to finish his question.

"how did you know," he felt incredibly awkward, trying his best to not look like a complete idiot. "that you're..."

changbin nodded again, this time it signalled that he understood exactly what chan was trying to say, "that i'm gay?" 

chris nodded while sighing in relief, thankful he didn't have to say the word. the word which had been haunting him every since that night, the word with terrified him. 

"i suppose i kind of always knew, i wasn't sure though until i fell in love with this boy back in school. why?" 

chan stayed silent, he couldn't bring himself to tell his deepest, darkest secret so... casually. he didn't even want to believe his doubts himself, let alone tell someone else. 

"no reason really, just curious." he mentally cringed at his choice of words, curious, he supposed that's what you would call his 'situation.'

"oh i see," he nodded with a small smile, "have you been sleeping properly chris? you look tired." 

god, why did he have to be so perfect? everything from the way his name rolled off his pretty lips to the small pout which caused his eyebrows to knit together, everything made him seem so goddamn perfect.

chan hated him. 

"no, not really. lots of work to do, thanks for the concern." he dismissed the younger's worry quickly although he didn't seem convinced.

"are you sure? actually," changbin stopped and shuffled in his seat uncomfortably. "i have a question too."

chan swallowed hard, nodding as he decided to take a seat next to him. "have you been avoiding me?"

the hurt in his voice was unmissable, his eyes looking at him sadly. there was a harsh silence in the room for a while, chan wasn't able to find an answer for him.

this seemed to be all changbin needed to come to a conclusion, he'd messed up big time. "i see."

he threw his eyes down the floor and chewed on his lip, sadness falling in the pit of his stomach. "can you at least tell me what i did wrong?"

the older, who hadn't taken his eyes off changbin once, pondered his words carefully. "i can't, i'm sorry."

"really? okay then." changbin felt the tears well in his eyes as he stood up, grabbing his jacket which was hung messily on his chair and starting to leave; he wasn't about to cry in front of chan.

something in chan couldn't let him leave, he didn't want him to leave. he grabbed at the younger's wrist as he passed him, not looking anywhere near him.

"please don't go," the way his voice cracked was incredibly awkward, the sheer desperation in his voice was enough to make changbin stop in his tracks. "i'm scared bin, i'm so fucking scared."

changbin put his free hand over chan's, stroking his thumb over the older's knuckles as he retraced his steps. instead of sitting back on his chair though, he joined chan on the sofa. "scared of what channie?"

chan felt so so uncomfortable, he'd give absolutely anything to be somewhere else right now, anywhere else. every bone in his body told him to lie, to do anything except tell the truth.

"i," he felt his breath get caught in his throat, "fuck i can't do this."

changbin only took his hand and interlaced their fingers, gently stroking circles into his thigh. "yes you can, i'm here for you. you can tell me anything chan."

finally chan decided to throw his gaze to the boy next to him, catching his eyes. his heart rate quickened tenfold as he took a deep breath, "i think i might be, fuck why is this so fucking hard?"

frustration filled his voice, he could feel warm tears falling down his cheeks but couldn't bring himself to care right now. the same couldn't be said for changbin though, he reached his free hand up and gently used his thumb to wipe them away. 

"it is hard," he agreed, understanding what chan was trying to say. "everything becomes so much easier when you can say it though, when you can finally admit it to yourself." 

"it's scary isn't it? i understand how you feel chris, trust me i do. you almost think, 'why me?' right?" he smiled sadly.

"i don't even know if i am," he whispered faintly, not even sure if changbin had heard it. "i'm so confused, scared and confused and so damn overwhelmed." 

"well," he started, "what made you question yourself in the first place?" 

chan felt his heart sink, "you, you did." 

an instant regret washed over the older boy, god why did i say that? 

"me coming out?" changbin asked honestly, confused as to what he'd meant.

he stayed quiet, trying to find the words. "no bin, you. god everything about you." 

"oh." 

an awkward tension filled the air, neither boy knowing exactly what to say. surprisingly, it was chan who spoke first, "can you kiss me?"

changbin's eyes shot open wide, the question coming seemingly out of nowhere. that wasn't the case though, "oh god i'm so sorry- i just- you look so pretty-"

chan was cut off by a warm pair of lips on his, both fear and excitement spreading through him like wildfire. it only took a second for him to respond, they fell into a satisfying rhythm before changbin ultimately pulled away.

"there, did that help you figure out anything?" his eyes were full of hope, shining prettily under the light of the studio. 

chan sat there dumbfounded, the feeling still present on his lips as he stared at changbin. it was like a sudden lightbulb went off, everything made so much sense.

kissing girls had never felt that good before, girls had never caused such strong butterflies in his stomach, girls never felt so perfect for him.

the realisation hit him like a pile of bricks, causing his eyes to fill with tears once again. i'm gay.

this panicked changbin, seeing someone he'd loved for a long while, his crush- whom he'd just kissed, crying afterwards didn't seem like a good sign.

"oh my god, are you okay?" worry filled his tone as chan broke out into a smile, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"i'm gay."

"fuck, i meant i'm fine." changbin let out a relived laugh, ruffling the older's hair as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug.

"congrats bro."

"shut the fuck up and kiss me again."


End file.
